I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
