Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
