sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize