The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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