mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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