Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
