He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
