What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
