Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
