I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
