Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
