You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
