I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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