She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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