If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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