Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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