how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
