so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
