my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
