my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
