Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
