I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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