Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
