I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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