Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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