Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
