I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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