I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
