Apparently you make a good broom.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
