all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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