I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
