So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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