so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
