he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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