I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
