So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
