So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
