hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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