Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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