so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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