My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
