i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
