Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
