I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
