yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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