Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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