when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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