this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i came on her dog
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize