Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
