My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
