call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
