this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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