i already hear my dad disowning me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize