Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
