with your own penis?
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
