This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
