Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
