U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
