do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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