Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
