Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
