New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
as a side note pls kill me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
