Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
