We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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