Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
