Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
